I am either invisible or embarrassing.

Take your pick.

I just don't know. *shrugs*

I feel so exhausted, like I've been up for days at a time.

Time for chem.

P.S. I'm in between templates at the moment-this will be fixed when I have time....

I've been looking up information about the costs to do a student exchange to Katowice, Poland. This is the only university in Poland that has a partnership with the U of A where you can study anything you want. And there is an International School of Political Sciences located on this campus *drools*.

The round flight is just over 2000 dollars, which is super sweet. And it costs between 832 and 1387 for accomodations(i know, such difference!). This is something I would probably do in my second year of university. I really want to be able to do this. I want to get a chance to meet family I didn't know that I had, to learn the language that my grandparents and my father, aunt and uncle grew up with. I want to be able to see where my family came from. To visit O?wi?cim, the little town that beheld so many horrors during the Holocaust. Seriously, the courses sound awesome. And the program seems to fit into my studies. I just have to save my ass off. And apply for all and any scholarships that come my way.

I just hope that when I tell my parents and family about what I would like to do that they don't tell me that it's a stupid idea, like they did when I told them about applying for the page programs. Well, we all saw how well that turned out. I'm such a dumb kid sometimes. Honestly. It's like I assume that things will work out for me, and when they don't, I get upset. And then there are things that in all likelihood will work out, and I start to question whether or not they will, and start imagining all these scenarios that would make it not work out. And people get upset. And did you know that it's improper to start a sentence with the word 'and'?

I'm so not close with my family. I don't really tell them anything, except for my mom sometimes and my dad every now and then. I'm afraid that the others will just laugh at my problems and dreams or belittle them, like they did when i mentioned going somewhere other than the U of A for post-secondary. Some of my family members I don't even like to be around, but that's a story for another time. I just feel like such a screwed up person; looking at all the things that an outsider would see when they look at my life, and knowing that people don't see half of what goes on in my life or in my head. I always feel so alone, like no one can penetrate my shell because I 'won't let them in', or I won't open up to anyone. I just can't see how I can be so important to someone. It frustrates him to no end, but I sometimes just don't see it for some reason. That's when I shut down and close off. I start seeing everything as proof of why I can't possibly be that important. Nothing is innocent anymore. To be important enough to someone that they would want to know about everything, even all the bad stuff; sometimes it just seems like it would be better off unsaid, that way no one, including myself, gets angry or upset and...well, it's not all good, but as good as it can get.

Anyways, time for bed. Enough dreaming and stuff for now; later, when I have money and good grades; more than just good intentions and a schoolgirls' stupidity.

I feel too needy. I am embarrassed about this neediness.

This all only adds to my patheticness (hey, I created a word).

Whenever I get upset, I close up and push away everyone close to me, no matter what has happened. I lash out at random people, usually those who I have been pushing away, and end up being this little ball of misery until I can push it down and either ignore it or get over it. Then whenever someone brings up the subject of whatever it was that I was upset about, I clam up again and become downcast again. It's almost like I'm trying to seal myself into this shell where I don't have to trust anyone and therefore can't be let down or hurt.

I may as well hang a sign on my body telling people to leave me alone, but not too much alone, because I need someone to talk to, but I don't feel like talking, and I'll most likely bite your head off about something ridiculous.

I'm pathetic.

This is such a terrible day, but a good day at the same time.
I just have to stop crying to see the good day.
I don't know what to do.

Ahh! I finally got my grad dress!

Could I have left it any later? Supposebly.

Oh dear God. So much for party loyalty.

What a jackass.

"I'm not sure, quite seriously, how many times you get to the cross the floor and have any credibility with your voters." (Anne McLellan)

How right she is.

No, it's not okay.
Yes, I am upset.
Please don't leave.

Why can't I say that when it counts?

I feel like my problems are insignificant right now with all the other things that are going on in the world. The Pope is lying in state in Vatican City, an election could come any day and the Liberals are turning out to be crooks, making it likely that an election could mean a government formed by the conservatives. The person that I usually go to talk to about this sort of thing has their own problems right now, more... life-altering, I suppose, than mine. Sometimes this kind of clarity is refreshing and puts everything into perspective for me. This time, however, it just makes me feel unimportant and alone. Strangely enough, I have no theories as to why that may be.

My first practice for outdoor is tonight. I'm hoping that this practice will be purely conditioning; sometimes the only thing that will calm me down is pushing myself physically until I'm exhausted, or running until I can't breathe. I need to push myself to succeed again and just turn my brain and emotions off for awhile.

John Paul II, rest in peace; we love you.