So I have a history paper due on Thursday, so here's Shannon in 20 lines or less...

-My hair is sweet (I cut and dyed it)
-I have way too much schoolwork (seriously, it's a deluge here; I was supposed to be at a halloween party tonight, but my profs all conspired to screw with my plans)
-I'm applying for financial aid to go and study in France for a year at the Universite Catholique de Lille, and the costs are astronomical even with this award, but I don't want money to be the reason that I don't go
-Haven't been working much, just weekends
-Made some friends at school (including this guy from my elementary school) philosophy is the most fun class, I love it (course, it doesn't hurt that there's this really awesome guy in that class from Quebec... ;) )
-Medication definitely on the crapshoot side of things
-I finally broke through my mental block with an all-nighter, trying to finish my English essay
-Soccer is great, we have our first game in November
-Finally, I'm turning 19 on the 24th, so I could potentially go and drink anywhere in Canada if I felt so inclined...yay.

Hope everyone is doing awesome, and that you all rot your teeth with Halloween candy...I know that I will.

You Are 22 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatagequiz/">What Age Do You Act?

Hee hee hee.

I have to get myself out of this rut. I don't know what's wrong with me. Scratch that. I know exactly what is wrong with me; I'm so afraid of failing that I won't even give it a fair shot, so that when I inevitably fail because I haven't tried my best, I can say that it's ok, because I know that I can do better. I know that I can do better because I'm too fricking scared to try. Why is that? It's like I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage myself, when all I want to do is succeed.

Why am I so afraid of putting myself out there in the world?

Ahh. We won the tournament, so we get 200$. Awesome. And I scored today, it was soo sweet; free kick by the gate into the upper back corner of the net. I haven't been able to curve the ball like that in a while. So happy! A couple of my old coaches were there, one tried to talk me into playing for him before the game (terrible!) and the other was reffing my game; when I scored he asked me where I had learned to shoot like that. Heh heh. And Ricardo was there, of course, scouting as usual. Got some vicious war wounds, the other team was pretty chippy. That's ok, I'll look really tough for about a week. Thank God I didn't end up getting a black eye, I was worried for a bit there (nono, I didn't get into a fight, I was afraid that I had broken my nose :S) .

Well, time to get back to the real world of studying, and so on...

I should really buy some shares in Tim Horton's. Maybe I could get some of my money back ;).

I am in such a good mood. Haven't felt this happy or carefree for a long time. Had a midterm today, but didn't realise that it was a 'midterm' until wednesday. Knew how much it counted for, but it said 'controle' in the syllabus. Anyways. Random times at work after school, the carrier guy was being strange as usual. He's such a nice guy; he used to bring us timbits but then the manager at the timmies near the store made a racist comment about him last week so he doesn't go there anymore. I know that he filed some complaints with Tim Horton's and with some government division that deals with that kind of thing, but I haven't heard how it turned out. Now he just sits and bugs us till it's time to do the clearance.

The new Great Big Sea came out on Tuesday, and it's really good. I love it, it's all traditional Newfoundland songs. I can't wait till they come to Edmonton in February. We got our new car today, but my mom won't let me drive it yet. I'll just have to wait for my dad to get home, he'll let me. I hope ;). It's so pretty! They'll have to let me use it tuesday for sure; otherwise I can't get to soccer practise...I have a soccer tourney this weekend too, really excited for my game tonight. It starts at 10, cause we're old ladies now and we get the crappy times. That's ok, i'm just glad to be playing. Had some good fun at school today, english was interesting. I went to elementary with the guy I sit with and we had a good soccer chat before we watched the end of Edipo Re, the Passolini version of Oedipus Rex. I'm doing a comparative essay on the two, should be interesting. So disturbing, everyone should read the play. Anyhow, I'm just going to go...Have a great weekend everyone! My first weekend off in God knows how long, I'm sure as hell going to enjoy it...by doing the mountain of homework that's teetering and growing ever larger. Ah well. At least there's soccer to be enjoyed. I will take whatever I can get.

The coolest thing happened to me today. I went to the Rutherford library to borrow this book for my granny about the Armia Krajowa (Polish resistance), in Polish no less, and they have a huge section on the Poles during the war, and polish resistance, not to mention an enormous section on the Second World War. I drooled. So I snatched up a few books for myself and took the bus to my grandparents'. I handed over a book to my granny and she leafed through it, exclaming when she found a name that she knew and explaining how she knew them, most of them were army officials that she knew through her father, a high ranking official in the Polish army. Some were friends that she knew from the camps, others were friends from the resistance or friends of her brothers'. Then she looked at the ones that I had gotten for myself, and inside the cover of one of them was my great-grandfather's signature. It really gave me shivers. Apparently he donated a whole bunch of books to the U of A library about Poland during the war and the polish resistance. Wow. I still can't believe it. Coolest thing.Now I'm excited to go back to the library for more books to see if I can find some more with his signature on them. Got me thinking anyways. And, in case anyone is curious, I'm happy. Exhausted, but exhilirated nonetheless. Things are starting to look up.

Et c'est tout. Voila. La fin? Ou bien l'aube de quelque chose de speciale...?

I don't even know. L'elephant s'est levee de ma poitrine. My mind is starting to be at peace. I hope. It still hurts. But I should've been smarter. That's all there is to it.

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life; I had to miss a practise because I was still sick, I couldn't sleep because I was so stressed out about a paper, and I ended up not handing in said paper on the due date because I couldn't write it out for some reason. Stayed up until four before it was due and didn't even get halfway, then missed a day of school because I didn't get enough sleep. The worst day was definetly Friday. I had to rethink a lot of things, and I'm still trying to do it now. I feel like such a pathetic loser, too stupid even to get a paper in on time. Am I cut out for university? I think that I'm going to be stuck on that question for awhile. After all those people gave me money for post-secondary, am I going to waste that money and the time of the profs because I'm so useless? I don't even know. I really have to think a lot of things over. Too many distractions. Something has to go, and I know what it is, I just can't stop thinking about it. It has taken over my life, and I hate that it has, but I can't stop. I can't figure out how to just stop, and that makes me feel even more pathetic.

On a higher note, Thanksgiving dinner at my granparents' was really great this year; they waited for me to come from work and then we got started, soo good. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time, I have to say. A couple of shining beacons from last week: is that I had an AYL (Alberta Young Liberals) meeting on Monday and things are looking really good. The president is a neat guy and he seems to have his shit together. They voted me in as assitant communications chair, which is awesome, and the whole 'Red Book' thing that we're doing is really awesome (just ignore the unintended Chairman Mao reference). Plus my philosophy class is going really well, everyone is really friendly and I've made a few friends in that class. There's this guy that gets to class early like I do and we chat it up, he's really neat, and this girl who is in almost all of my classes, she's so nice. I hope that this week turns out to be better than the last, I have to try to make it better.

Oh yeah, my parents have finally decided to get rid of the boat (our minivan) and buy a car- a 2006 Honda Civic. Hopefully an automatic. Sweet deal, hey? Now I don't have to drive around in that tank. It's such a pretty car; I was trying to get them to buy it in yellow, but alas, silver it shall be. Anyways, have a great Thanksgiving everyone.

Weird day. My grade six science teacher, whom I haven't seen since grade six and never particularily liked, showed up at my work and actually recognised me and told me that I haven't changed. So busy at work today, didn't even get a break and had to stay a half hour after close to finish up all the things I had to get done. One of my skims was over five grand. So crazy. Plus I was freaking out becaue the clearance guy was almost an hour late, and the depot is closed on the weekends so I had no one to call. Aha, c'est du jargon ca! Too many people for a rainy Saturday, but Christmas time is here in the post office! People sending to some countries have to have their stuff in by mid-October to have it there by Christmas. Crazy. Anyways, now I'm working on my dissertation for my history class. I had the craziest dream last night that I had found a perfect book on the Boxer Rebellion and I was so happy. Too much homework, that's what I say. Got to get to bed early, have to go and do the blood thing tomorrow morning, bright and early (eight in the morning, how awful). Hope everyone else is keeping up with their work and is healthier than I am :P.