Weird day-was out all day shopping, and then watched a movie with my sisters. Fun, but weird cause I was so jittery, even before I had a big coffee. I think that I know why, but it's okay, it'll all be good tomorrow. I actually don't even think that I'm going out tomorrow cause I have to go through my school stuff before I go back to work, clean up my room and get rid of my junk. Got a ton of clothes today though, very successful. Good fun. South Edmonton Common is a mess on Boxing Day. This was such a boring post. I think that I just put myself to sleep.

Ah. Feelin' the love. Never been more at peace, happier with the people I have surrounding me. Christmas Eve was a blast as usual, today was awesome too. Oh, Erin got home on Wednesday night, and 'us girls' are going Boxing Day shopping tomorrow morning. Oh boy. I was supposed to drive John to work for the unholy hour of 5:30(I volunteered for this?), but thankfully it looks like my dad is going to drive him. I have a ton of things to read, and I can't remember when things have ever been better with me. Things are good again.

First game of the season that we haven't won. Very disappointing...tied it 2-2. We all played terribly, and I got all beaten up again. The big rug burn that I got last game was all scabbed and healing and then this girl tried to take me down and being the big brute that I am, I tackled her(all ball) and ended up getting the kick and tearing off the scab, so I got blood all over my shinpad and my shoes....and of course the EMSA rule is that you can't go back onto the field with an open wound, so it took forever to find the stupid tape and stuff in the first aid bag. Then another chick on the other team tried to board me and I put my hand out to stop myself from falling headfirst into the boards and ended up killing my hand.Wow, that was way more descriptive than I meant for it to be. Aw, my front store manager is so nice; he made up stockings for all of us at work and put a whole bunch of stuff in there, oranges, chocolate and a bottle of wine. I love where I work, it's so much better than Fields. Hmm...last exam tomorrow. Shanny out!

Oh my. I am seriously just wasting time until I can go to bed without waking up super early...I'm so tired. I think that Kevin just asked me if I would elect Martin versus electing Jesus. Wow.

Got up super early cause I was dumb and left all of my Christmas shopping until this weekend, so I went shopping with Kelsey...we left the house at quarter to eight. My oh my. And I drove my brother to work for 7, but he bought me coffee, so it was all good. What a madhouse-thank goodness we did our shopping that early. Went to the library too and took out books to read for pleasure for the first time since the summer. One more exam, working all of next week and apparently have to miss my team Christmas dinner because I must've forgotten to book it off. I was looking forward to that...Hmmm....is quarter after eight too early to go to bed? This is such a wasted post. I have to work at 9 tomorrow morning. The one thing that I really miss about being on the main campus is the coffee at Cookie's by George. I love that coffee...mmm.....ok, time for bed. No more incoherent rambling for me.

Ok. Pretty great day so far. Second last exam (philosophie) done and over with and had some good chats with people before the exam. Then I went to work to check the schedule, got laughed at (all good-natured of course) for wearing a Martin pin and took the bus home. Then I went to Amarjit Grewal's campaign launch (the Liberal candidate for my riding) and had good fun. Apparently I'm going to be in his next round of brochures.

And! The piece de resistance! Stephane Dion was there! So exciting! Honestly, I was so excited- one of the other board memebers eventually got me to calm down and pulled me over to have a handshake moment with the minister. And then Dion was all like, Enchante! So cool! He is definetly one of my fave political people, and he's a great speaker.

Oh man, Martin is so set on Canadian unity. Totally tore into Duceppe in both of the leaders' debates. Absoluetly amazing. Even my dad was impressed, and he's pretty apathetic as far as politics go.Martin actually turned to Duceppe and started shaking his finger at him, saying that Duceppe wasn't going to break up his country. Amazing passion. And now, to watch a Charlie Brown Christmas.

Three exams down, two to go. Don't lose focus now. (oh look, somethingbrightandshiny that isn't philosophy!)

Long, long day today. Was only supposed to work 7 hours but ended up having to work about 9 and a half because it was just so fricking busy. Have to go in early tomorrow because I couldn't get all of the paperwork done. Boo on paperwork. I feel like my brain has been sucked dry; everything coming out of my mouth or out of my typing fingers feels like it's been drained of emotion and meaning. Only a week until the end of the madness of trying to balance work and school. Thank goodness. Oh! But there was a sweet high point to my day. My teacher from grades one and two, Mme Stevens, came into the post office! And she recognised me(so sketchy; although I guess I just look taller to her)! She was so happy that I kept going with french. The line was so long though that I couldn't talk to her as long as I woud have wanted to, which was dissapointing, and I thought of all these things that I could've said to her after she left but it made me so happy to see her again. She was definetly my favourite teacher. I'll have to e-mail her... Well, back to the studyage. One more week, right?

OK. Ugh. Got my second-last paper back today, thought that I was going to kick ass and got a B fricking minus. And was told that it was, and I quote, " un peu 'sec'". I have never, ever been told that about a paper, never mind a history paper. So to wrap it all up, I'm sick (because who doesn't want to be during exams?) , so exhausted and in a bad mood because of all of the above. I can usually rise above this kind of thing but I just can't seem to find the strength today.

This was such a bitchy post. I feel like kicking something.

OK. This is so funny. It's called "The 3-Martini Federal Leaders Debate". I received it in an e-mail from my fellow communications chair for the AYL.

Awesomeness. I love Canada.

There is no way that it's only quarter to eleven. Longest day of my life. Woke up, got a coffee that I'm apparently still wired from, went to class, went to the Campus to meet my peer review partner (poor guy; he went to see the prof yesterday about his paper and she said something about his thesis, so now he has to pretty well redo his paper, and it's due tomorrow). Then I went home and had lunch with Smelsey,studied my toosh off, went back to the University cause apparently you need a new bus pass every month (who knew?!) and went downtown to waste some time before my meeting and ended up with some new clothes ( I really don't know how that happened). Oh, and I saw Nicole on the bus and chatted with her for a bit which was supremely random.

AYL meeting was actually pretty productive, mostly election stuff and notices about pushing things back; they had the campaign launch in Edmonton for Anne tonight so there were a few random people sitting in on our meeting, very entertaining to say the least. Apparently the Liberals get blamed for everything that goes wrong in that building. Decided on election strategies, saw all of the ballots for the nomination on Saturday ( I still don't know who I'm voting for) and found out that George dropped out of the nomination race. Has other political aspirations apparently. I am so tired and wired and I still have to tweak my paper a bit. Oh boy. I don't even know the randomness. Erin is coming home on the 21st, totally looking forward to that.

Wow. I'm sure that no one really wanted to know that much about my caffeinated life ( I really need to cut back on that...still loving Philo btw ;) ). Hope that everyone is enjoying the snow and the cold and the sadistic ETS drivers. I know I am.

OK. So the Conservative candidate for my riding? He lives next door to me.

What the frick are the odds?!

Alrighty then. So the government has fallen. Shame, shame, shame.

So now to the crunch. The conservative who is running in my riding already has his signs up (wtf?) and we don't even have our candidate; our election thing is on Saturday, which means that I'm going to have to be down there all day doing set up and stuff, cause apparently being on the board of directors isn't just some fancy title. I'm so psyched for this election; we have an AYL meeting on Thursday to get things moving on the youth end of things. This is definetly going to be one of those turning point elections. Looking forward to the good fight, despite the snow and the cold.

And hey! I can actually vote in this one!!!

I don't know why I feel so miserable right now. I hope that a good cry still helps everything.

This will be my second night in a row going to bed before ten. That hasn't happened in a few years; I'm just so exhausted, mentally and physically. I even had more than one coffee today, and still fell asleep trying to study...but I'll be damned if I'm too tired to enjoy seeing Harry Potter tomorrow for my birthday! Let's see if I can make it through my morning history class first...

Class was pretty good today, especially philo, but then it's usually pretty good. The guy that makes the random comment was away for a few weeks with pneunomia (sp?)...he's pretty funny. Well, off to bed...when I wake up, I'll be able to drink anywhere in Canada...whoop-di-doo. They should have something else for the 19th b-day, for all of us who don't much care about the drinking...

For a while now, my grandpa has been telling my dad that my granny has been forgetting things more and more. Stuff like when my dad was working, things that they had planned, that kind of thing. Today my dad told me that she was forgetting bigger things; she would be cooking something on the stove, walk out and forget about it. When he told me, my heart dropped. I lost one grandparent to Alzheimers'; I couldn't stand it if I lost another to the same disease. My last visit to my grandma, I knew that she didn't recognise, but I knew that she wanted so badly remember me and my significance to her, and getting so frustrated that she starts to weep. It's upsetting, to say the least.

I still haven't decided if today has been a good day or a bad day. I pulled another stupid almost all nighter doing a book review for history that I think turned out okay(but I still feel like a total idiot for staying up that long), and then, because of an attempt to get an extra fifteen minutes of sleep (and because the network was crapping out), missed the bus that I usually catch and got to class just on time, but without my usual caffeine rush. Which turned out okay, cause I had muffins and water, so I didn't fall asleep or get drowsy at all. That class has been going by so quickly lately for some reason. So I handed in my paper, got on the bus to Bonnie Doon so that I could grab a coffee and something to eat, and this guy from my philo class (the one from Quebec) comes onto the bus and sat next to me. We chatted all the way to the Fac, where he got off because he had a class and I continued on to the mall. It totally made my day, made me all giddy even though I know that I made a fool of myself (plus I looked terrible, what with the non-sleep), talking in french the whole way there and trying to supplement my terrible vocabulary by talking with my hands (for some reason, I just love his accent and the way that he talks- I sound like such a dork...did I mention that he has an eyebrow ring?).

So I got my food and my coffee (which was super strong btw; I'm still really wired and I finished it like four hours ago) and went back to the Fac to sit and study while I ate. So my exam was at 2 in the multimedia room, so at about ten to 2 I went and sat in there to wait for it to start. Last time, there was a sign on the whiteboard saying what room we were in, but this time there was nothing, and I needed a password to sign into the exam. This exam time was an extra session, because he had one scheduled for last Thursday but then realised that it was the fall term break, so he added this one and apparently most people wrote it last week. So I go back and forth between the two parts of the room (there's a partition between the two) and I see nothing, so finally, at about five after, I send an e-mail to my prof explaining what the problem was and asking what I should do. He still hasn't answered back, so I'm not sure exactly how screwed I am. I waited about a half hour before I left, and the thing is, I don't exactly know what my prof looks like because it's an online course. So I'm feeling really stupid about the whole exam thing, but elated because of the bus thing. And, of course, is that jittery feeling that can only come from waay too much caffeine. And extra bits of randomness. Naturally. We shall see what transpires.

So for everyone who is lacking in the siblings at Picard, the yearbooks are ready for pickup. They're awesome.

Did you know that Poland was the first European country to have a written constitution(1791)?

Well, now you know...

Mental note: Some people remember more when they have been drinking than you may give them credit for. Hope that they do, because the next time they drink they'll make a hilarious comment about your previous encounter. Ahahaha. Hilarious!!!

Worked through Remembrance Day, took a moment of silence at 11:00. It saddened me that only our corner of the store took that moment.

I'm not sure right now. I go from being so happy, so comfortable with myself and confident to the point that I actually believe that I deserve someone wonderful, and then all of a sudden I get so wiped out and exhausted that I just don't know how I'm going to get everything done or what I'm going to do. I'm half hoping that this is still those stupid pills messing with me, but I'm also hoping that the accutane isn't still having any kind of effect on me since I haven't taken them for about a week now. It's a little scary, I can tell you. I just feel like I'm tottering. I just don't know.

Time for bed...I'm so tired...

Oh! I looked over my schedule for next semester and figured that it was crazy to take 'French Canada to Confederation' this semester and then 'Canada to Confederation' next term, so I decided to look for a replacement for that course. So I looked on beartracks, and lo and behold there's this class called '20-century warfare'. Both World Wars, Korean and Vietnamese wars, and more. So perfect. They must have just added it recently, because there were still about forty-odd spots left. I was so excited when I found it! Still am. Such a neeerd! I love it.

Four-day weekend (ahh! MacEwan got a five-dayer!); big plans. Yup...english book review due in history about Madeleine de Vercheres, exams next week in philosophy and linguistics, then a french history paper due the Monday after and an English paper to start as well. So I'm going to be stuck either in the library or at home all weekend, save a few times I get to leave those confines for work (that's Friday; I hate working through the remembrance day ceremonies, but I'm not getting any hours next week..no excuses), for a Liberal meeting (that's going to be interesting, to say the least) and then a staff Christmas party (Saturday)...I don't actually mind all of this (sometimes, sickeningly enough, it's fun for me....nerd!), it just seems so daunting to think about everything I have to get done.Oh!! Then Sunday we have our second game of the season. We won first game on Sunday 9-0, I got a sweet assist; I hope that this game isn't a massacre.

I'm reading this book that I got from the Carrefour called 'Le dossier noir des commandites' and I must say, although this book is written by an ardent seperatist and therefore is a little sketchy at times, it's really interesting to see this whole sponsorship thing from another angle. Disturbing though. Anyways, I'm totally going to go and have a quick nap. Ta!

You are a Social Liberal (60% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (18% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Went out with peeps from high school at the Metro downtown, so much fun. Haven't seen most of these people in ages...too bad we couldn't get more people out, but it may not have been as great with more people. Soo awesome. Had a good chat with peeps, it seems that I've worked everything out; I had a suspicion, but it's good to sort of have it confirmed; hearing other people's opinions is always healing too. Going to go out with the tea lady probably next week, and I kept hearing something about a poker party ( i think that I may have said that I play poker...I honestly can't remember if I actually know how to play *blushes*) .Skills guys, skills. I mean, come on, who else can have the perfect shot and end up scratching? That's right...well, like everyone. But anyhow... Overall awesome night, thanks for the comps on the car guys! Lol. Other than that, an ok day, woke up late, went to work and finally got all of my scholarship stuff that's due in the next month or so out and in the mail. Some sketcheriffic people at work, but some nice ones too so it all evens out. Going to need to wake up early tomorrow (today) cause I work again tomorrow afternoon, and then my first soccer game of the season (so excited!) so I'm going to have almost nil homework time. Ah well. These things happen; only a three day school week next week anyways. Awesomeness. I'm so happy.

Eep. Tomorrow I'm leading a seminar in my history class. I really dislike speaking in front of a group of people, and I always seem to draw a blank when the prof asks me questions about the documents. I really, really hope that that doesn't happen. I wish the butterflies would go away.

Oh yeah, and I'm done with accutane. That stuff totally screwed me over, way more than it helped. On to the next one...

So I have a history paper due on Thursday, so here's Shannon in 20 lines or less...

-My hair is sweet (I cut and dyed it)
-I have way too much schoolwork (seriously, it's a deluge here; I was supposed to be at a halloween party tonight, but my profs all conspired to screw with my plans)
-I'm applying for financial aid to go and study in France for a year at the Universite Catholique de Lille, and the costs are astronomical even with this award, but I don't want money to be the reason that I don't go
-Haven't been working much, just weekends
-Made some friends at school (including this guy from my elementary school) philosophy is the most fun class, I love it (course, it doesn't hurt that there's this really awesome guy in that class from Quebec... ;) )
-Medication definitely on the crapshoot side of things
-I finally broke through my mental block with an all-nighter, trying to finish my English essay
-Soccer is great, we have our first game in November
-Finally, I'm turning 19 on the 24th, so I could potentially go and drink anywhere in Canada if I felt so inclined...yay.

Hope everyone is doing awesome, and that you all rot your teeth with Halloween candy...I know that I will.

You Are 22 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatagequiz/">What Age Do You Act?

Hee hee hee.

I have to get myself out of this rut. I don't know what's wrong with me. Scratch that. I know exactly what is wrong with me; I'm so afraid of failing that I won't even give it a fair shot, so that when I inevitably fail because I haven't tried my best, I can say that it's ok, because I know that I can do better. I know that I can do better because I'm too fricking scared to try. Why is that? It's like I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage myself, when all I want to do is succeed.

Why am I so afraid of putting myself out there in the world?

Ahh. We won the tournament, so we get 200$. Awesome. And I scored today, it was soo sweet; free kick by the gate into the upper back corner of the net. I haven't been able to curve the ball like that in a while. So happy! A couple of my old coaches were there, one tried to talk me into playing for him before the game (terrible!) and the other was reffing my game; when I scored he asked me where I had learned to shoot like that. Heh heh. And Ricardo was there, of course, scouting as usual. Got some vicious war wounds, the other team was pretty chippy. That's ok, I'll look really tough for about a week. Thank God I didn't end up getting a black eye, I was worried for a bit there (nono, I didn't get into a fight, I was afraid that I had broken my nose :S) .

Well, time to get back to the real world of studying, and so on...

I should really buy some shares in Tim Horton's. Maybe I could get some of my money back ;).

I am in such a good mood. Haven't felt this happy or carefree for a long time. Had a midterm today, but didn't realise that it was a 'midterm' until wednesday. Knew how much it counted for, but it said 'controle' in the syllabus. Anyways. Random times at work after school, the carrier guy was being strange as usual. He's such a nice guy; he used to bring us timbits but then the manager at the timmies near the store made a racist comment about him last week so he doesn't go there anymore. I know that he filed some complaints with Tim Horton's and with some government division that deals with that kind of thing, but I haven't heard how it turned out. Now he just sits and bugs us till it's time to do the clearance.

The new Great Big Sea came out on Tuesday, and it's really good. I love it, it's all traditional Newfoundland songs. I can't wait till they come to Edmonton in February. We got our new car today, but my mom won't let me drive it yet. I'll just have to wait for my dad to get home, he'll let me. I hope ;). It's so pretty! They'll have to let me use it tuesday for sure; otherwise I can't get to soccer practise...I have a soccer tourney this weekend too, really excited for my game tonight. It starts at 10, cause we're old ladies now and we get the crappy times. That's ok, i'm just glad to be playing. Had some good fun at school today, english was interesting. I went to elementary with the guy I sit with and we had a good soccer chat before we watched the end of Edipo Re, the Passolini version of Oedipus Rex. I'm doing a comparative essay on the two, should be interesting. So disturbing, everyone should read the play. Anyhow, I'm just going to go...Have a great weekend everyone! My first weekend off in God knows how long, I'm sure as hell going to enjoy it...by doing the mountain of homework that's teetering and growing ever larger. Ah well. At least there's soccer to be enjoyed. I will take whatever I can get.

The coolest thing happened to me today. I went to the Rutherford library to borrow this book for my granny about the Armia Krajowa (Polish resistance), in Polish no less, and they have a huge section on the Poles during the war, and polish resistance, not to mention an enormous section on the Second World War. I drooled. So I snatched up a few books for myself and took the bus to my grandparents'. I handed over a book to my granny and she leafed through it, exclaming when she found a name that she knew and explaining how she knew them, most of them were army officials that she knew through her father, a high ranking official in the Polish army. Some were friends that she knew from the camps, others were friends from the resistance or friends of her brothers'. Then she looked at the ones that I had gotten for myself, and inside the cover of one of them was my great-grandfather's signature. It really gave me shivers. Apparently he donated a whole bunch of books to the U of A library about Poland during the war and the polish resistance. Wow. I still can't believe it. Coolest thing.Now I'm excited to go back to the library for more books to see if I can find some more with his signature on them. Got me thinking anyways. And, in case anyone is curious, I'm happy. Exhausted, but exhilirated nonetheless. Things are starting to look up.

Et c'est tout. Voila. La fin? Ou bien l'aube de quelque chose de speciale...?

I don't even know. L'elephant s'est levee de ma poitrine. My mind is starting to be at peace. I hope. It still hurts. But I should've been smarter. That's all there is to it.

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life; I had to miss a practise because I was still sick, I couldn't sleep because I was so stressed out about a paper, and I ended up not handing in said paper on the due date because I couldn't write it out for some reason. Stayed up until four before it was due and didn't even get halfway, then missed a day of school because I didn't get enough sleep. The worst day was definetly Friday. I had to rethink a lot of things, and I'm still trying to do it now. I feel like such a pathetic loser, too stupid even to get a paper in on time. Am I cut out for university? I think that I'm going to be stuck on that question for awhile. After all those people gave me money for post-secondary, am I going to waste that money and the time of the profs because I'm so useless? I don't even know. I really have to think a lot of things over. Too many distractions. Something has to go, and I know what it is, I just can't stop thinking about it. It has taken over my life, and I hate that it has, but I can't stop. I can't figure out how to just stop, and that makes me feel even more pathetic.

On a higher note, Thanksgiving dinner at my granparents' was really great this year; they waited for me to come from work and then we got started, soo good. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time, I have to say. A couple of shining beacons from last week: is that I had an AYL (Alberta Young Liberals) meeting on Monday and things are looking really good. The president is a neat guy and he seems to have his shit together. They voted me in as assitant communications chair, which is awesome, and the whole 'Red Book' thing that we're doing is really awesome (just ignore the unintended Chairman Mao reference). Plus my philosophy class is going really well, everyone is really friendly and I've made a few friends in that class. There's this guy that gets to class early like I do and we chat it up, he's really neat, and this girl who is in almost all of my classes, she's so nice. I hope that this week turns out to be better than the last, I have to try to make it better.

Oh yeah, my parents have finally decided to get rid of the boat (our minivan) and buy a car- a 2006 Honda Civic. Hopefully an automatic. Sweet deal, hey? Now I don't have to drive around in that tank. It's such a pretty car; I was trying to get them to buy it in yellow, but alas, silver it shall be. Anyways, have a great Thanksgiving everyone.

Weird day. My grade six science teacher, whom I haven't seen since grade six and never particularily liked, showed up at my work and actually recognised me and told me that I haven't changed. So busy at work today, didn't even get a break and had to stay a half hour after close to finish up all the things I had to get done. One of my skims was over five grand. So crazy. Plus I was freaking out becaue the clearance guy was almost an hour late, and the depot is closed on the weekends so I had no one to call. Aha, c'est du jargon ca! Too many people for a rainy Saturday, but Christmas time is here in the post office! People sending to some countries have to have their stuff in by mid-October to have it there by Christmas. Crazy. Anyways, now I'm working on my dissertation for my history class. I had the craziest dream last night that I had found a perfect book on the Boxer Rebellion and I was so happy. Too much homework, that's what I say. Got to get to bed early, have to go and do the blood thing tomorrow morning, bright and early (eight in the morning, how awful). Hope everyone else is keeping up with their work and is healthier than I am :P.

Ahaha! Came home from the doctor's and found the two last seasons of the Gilmore Girls that I ordered in the mailbox! Aha! So excited! Watched two episodes and am watching a third, trying to have a little bit of willpower and not watch a fourth tonight. Oh, and there's a new Great Big Sea album out on the 11th, it's supposed to be all traditional Newfoundland (Newfoundlandic?) songs, really excited about that cause those ones are always great. School was pretty good, got to drive to school and thankfully there was a box of kleenex in the compartment between the seats cause my sister got me sick...again. Second cold in a month, but the guy who got me sick the first time is still coughing, finally got him to go to the doctors'. That's okay, cause I had practise last night and my coach only made us do one set of stairs...course, there are like seven different kinds of stairs to do and there are like three flights of stairs to do cause we start in the basement of the school...but it was good. Love soccer, can't wait for the pre season tournament. Well, now I'm just procrastinating, which I really can't do cause we have another seminar tomorrow, and last seminar I didn't know my stuff cold, can't embarrass myself! Especially not in this class....oookie. I'm finished now...except for this feeling in the pit of my stomach...what is that? What gives it the right to be there? Anyhow, i'm through being strange.

One of my history profs is a great guy who asks interesting questions, and he has made me begin to think like a historian. Presumtious though that may sound, when I'm reading history books, I'm starting to make links in my head.

There are two things that keep circling around in my head as I read: racism and the pure cyclical quality of history. Looking at the Boxer rebellion for example, in the years leading up to it, the US had strict immigration laws that made it impossible for someone from China to immigrate to the States, unless they could prove that they were somehow inferior to the 'white man'. Writers described them as having a 'fiendish love of cruelty' and a 'devilish cunning'. Anyone who knows anything about the ways that the Jews were persecuted in Nazi Germany knows that these are some of the same phrases used by Hitler to describe the Jewish population. Sickening. History keeps repeating itself. When does it end? Where?

How could I have been naive enough to believe that nothing would change between us?

Stupid, stupid Shannon. My mistake, again.

I had my first soccer practise of the season yesterday, good times. I think that Dennis must've been scouting all summer long, cause there are about 6 or 7 new players. About 5 of them are younger than my sister, one of the goes to Picard (remember Brandon? She's his younger sister.) So yes. We shall see what transpires. They need a little work, but don't we all?

I'm excited for the indoor season. We already have a tournament on the weekend of the 14th. Best thing about that practise was that it pulled me out of this ridiculous slump I've been in lately. Why ridiculous? Because the things that I'm in a slump about are pretty well out of my control, and it has taken me way too long to realise it. All I can do right now is live my life as I see fit, and get some desperatly needed sleep (I fell asleep while I was studying; how pathetic is that?!) Hope that no one is being devoured by stress.

University started on the 7th of September. Since then, I have realised that I know nothing. I really know nothing.

I'm grumpy because they cancelled my french class. Not a great day, but not without its high points.

I don't want to be afraid anymore; I can't face what is making me afraid. I wish that something would just happen, I can't deal with this now. I need a hug. Why me? That question never gets old.

Grr. Second time that I've showed up for my french class, only to walk out twenty minutes later because the prof hasn't shown up. Today there were only three other people waiting with me, how did everyone else but us know that the class was cancelled? Could be cause on beartracks they still have 'TBA' as the instructor for the course. They're supposed to e-mail us when a class is cancelled, but when I got home and checked it, there was nothing. Makes me SO MAD. My last class before that ended at 1:30, and I could have gone home and studied instead of going to the Rutherford and studying, it would've been more productive. Plus they cancelled one of the courses that I NEED FOR MY DEGREE. Augh!!

Who needs 'higher education' anyhow??!!

I had forgotten that writing for English could be fun.

Sitting, typing my notes with Komeda blaring on my stereo. I was supposed to go down to Red Deer for the young liberals' biennial, but ended up sick instead, it sure is fun working with a fever. Lol, cranked up the heat in the back room and kept running back there when there weren't any customers to try and warm up. I tells ya, this is the second time I've had a stupid chest cold and last time I came out of it lighter and with a demeted laugh, I hope that this one ends on a better note.

So instead of going to that meeting I got to sleep until one, totally slept off my fever and am now alternating between yawning and typing my notes from the week. Learned some really neat things. Like the reason that the french were trying to convert the natives in Canada to catholicism was to get in the pope's good books, because he divided the territory between Portugal and Spain and forbade anyone else to set foot on the land. Interesting, no? *grins* I'm such a history nerd. Love it. Still feeling a little weak from whatever I got; that is the last time I eat from the communal jelly bean bowl in the staff room, I swear.

Hope that everyone had a good first week of school, or just a great week in general!

Ah, yes. I love the feeling of immense satisfaction and general gaiety I feel when I think about my courses.

School has been good, except for the whole not sleeping much thing because I have to work until 10. But that will change as of next week....only weekend shifts for me!

I got lost this morning (my first and only class on main campus this semester). I got there a half hour early, anticipating losing my way of course; I found the right building but couldn't for the life of me find the right classroom. So I was about to give up and head over to SUB to get the remainder of my books when I hear a 'Shannon!' And there was Melissa. I told her that I was lost, and she told me where to find my class! She saved my day! Yaa! I learned the coolest things in that class too, totally made my day (except for the whole getting sick because I don't get enough sleep because I have to work and go to school which will all change next week).

Happy trails!

(is closure still good if it's a little sad?)

Eep...A little nervous about starting university tomorrow, but funnily enough I'm more nervous about making my buses and getting up on time than I am about the actual process of going to university...despite the fact that only one out of five of my profs have submitted a book list.

What a gong show.

Looking forward to every minute of it...oh baby.

Ahahaha! Just got a phone call from my coach, just as we were about to leave for my game, saying that the other team defaulted so we won! So we move up to division three next outdoor season! Pretty sweet, although I really wanted to play. I'm in dire need of some exercise. That's ok, I can just play extra hard against the french team tomorrow (it's like the Maurice Lavallee team, they all speak french, so I have to interpret for the team...sooo sketchy! I love beating the francophones!) Heh heh, such a funny call, he was so panicked, and if you know Dennis, you know that it's funny. So now I have some free time on my hands...time to get back into Ernie, if you know what I mean *wink wink* *nudge nudge*

(no, it is not dirty!)

I feel like my life right now is some sort of experiment in suspended animation. Grag! I just want something, anything to happen. I need school to start. I don't work until Thursday, need to find something to do, to find anything to do. I hate trying to create errands. I was supposed to go shopping for clothes before work today, but I ended up buying a book instead *grins*. It's about Canada's role in the two World Wars. You see why I had to have it?

My life just needs to move on. I need to move on. Need to get over this. Stop letting it try to take over.

(still sending brain waves to Foreign Affairs)

I think that I'm finally going to get a tattoo.

*mischievous grin*

Wow. Ok. So today and yesterday were supposed to be filled with me being miserable because David left last night, but (aside from the inevitable and sometimes untimely tears because of said departure) it has been absolutely amazing.

So I entered this scholarship competition with the Canadian War Museum, an essay contest. We were supposed to write about what our families did during the Second World War. Of course, anyone who knows me knows that this topic is right up my alley. So I entered, and freaked out all summer because we were supposed to have gotten the news about the winner by the end of June, which obviously didn't happen. E-mails were sent, and were not responded to. So anyways, yesterday while I was out with David for lunch, this guy from the museum phoned and told my dad that I am one of the finalists, meaning that I got the scholarship! Ahh! So I tried to get a hold of this guy yesterday, but he just wasn't answering his phone. So I phoned again this morning and he told me that I need to get together a whole pile of things to send to him in order to get my scholarship. There's going to be a biography, a picture and my essay on the Canadian War Museum website and there was mention of my name being on a plaque in the museum in Ottawa for having won the award. And oh baby, it only gets better from here.

He mentioned that they were doing something a little bit different this year. There's this conference in Australia about war history and that kind of thing, and they want to send one of the five finalists to this conference, all expenses paid, to give a small talk about Canada's war history, Remembrance Day in Canada, and our own family history to a group of Australian youth! Again, ahh! So the trip is for a week (October 29th to November 5th to be specific) , there's a professor from the University of Ottawa that will be accompanying the winner and some people from Foreign Affairs Canada that will be going too. So the people from the museum aren't choosing the winner for this (they were just taking a poll to see who would be interested-come on, who wouldn't be??!!) it's actually the Foreign Affairs people who will be getting a list of names and accompanying essays to choose from. Ahaha! So yes, mad brainwaves to these people (repeat after me: Give Shannon the trip! The trip!). This has definitely been one of the best days of my life. Wow. The best thing is, I know that I'm ready to take on university. I have proven to myself that I am worthy. Which is actually better than the thousand dollars from the museum.

Wow, I can't stop smiling.

Well...what's a girl to do?

This weekend was okay; went to my first football game yesterday which was neat, aside from the fact that the Eskies suck. That's okay, we love 'em anyways. We saw M. Potvin at the bus stop on Whyte, also going to the game, and chatted with him until we got to Commenwealth. It was sweet to see him again, he's definetly one of my favourite teachers and one of my favourite people. Maybe it's time for some tough love though, who knows. Talked to my sister in England today over MSN, apparently my grandad is mad at everyone here in Canada (family only, of course) because no one remembered to phone him on his birthday (oops) so Erin is getting the brunt of it and can't wait to move out. She finally got a place, which is good.

Worked at nine this morning, thank goodness my mom let me drive to work. Ended up at Timmies on the way and got a huge coffee, first time in months that I've had actual coffee. So much randomness. Was supposed to spend some time with David this afternoon, but he's so busy with this orientation video that it didn't work out, which is really disappointing, but understandable. I don't know what to do. I wish that we hadn't wasted so much time with petty fights.

Every time I start to feel better about him leaving, it's almost as if something inside of me shatters, and I break down and cry. I'm hoping that a large part of this is because i'm so tired, but I don'tthink that it is. We decided not to have a long-distance relationship, and it's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that after he leaves on Tuesday, we may never do the things that, unfortunately, I have started to take for granted. Being able to talk about anything and not worry about being judged, knowing that David understands me for some strange reason and knows me for who I am, and loves me for that very reason. We've been through a lot together, and it's hard not to see this as us throwing that all away. I know that that is not what is actually supposed to happen. We both need to focus on post-secondary and not be held back because of a relationship. But that doesn't stop the hurt.

Maybe numbness is best for now...or sleep. Sleep is always good. If only it could take away this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'm so strange;I haven't even started university, and already I'm dreaming about going to Europe to study abroad.

But you should see these places. Beautiful. Perfect. Far away...

Friday nights at work are always super slow, so they get a guy to come in to clean the floors because of the lack of customers. Alberto, to be specific. I always say hi to him and we chat, just small talk; he's a nice guy.

There is this one lady that is super nice, just this little east-indian lady who has a mailbox in our post office. This lady, Nellie, came in and did her mail thing and we got to talking because it was so quiet. She was telling me about how she found these sarong type things at a store in the mall and they were a really good price, and she picked up a whole bunch to give out to her friends and family because that material is usually really expensive. Nellie went to the till to pay and it added up to eighty dollars, and she couldn't believe it. She cautioned me that sometimes we spend more than we should, and we have to make sure that we have always have enough for 'our bread and butter'. She laughed, saying that we all had a little teenager inside of us. She told me that she was always taking a good look at her actions and taking a look deep inside of herself to be sure of her intent. Nellie told me that it sometimes takes her weeks to figure out why exactly she acted in a certain way, but she always has to make sure that her intent was pure, because if it wasn't then she has to go and apologise and try to fix things with whoever she has wronged. She told me that she believed that things always worked out for her if her intent was pure. Nellie believes that so long as our intent is pure, God will grant our prayers if it is within His power. For some reason, this thought really calmed me. Since then, my anxieties about David and I, with him going away for university, have all but disappeared. This one thought from her has lead to a whole train of other thoughts, comforting thoughts. But anyways, that isn't part of my story.

So Alberto saw Nellie when she was saying goodbye to me after our chat, and asked her if she taught at Concordia. She said yes, and apparently she taught him when he was there seven years ago. They caught up and he told her of his business, the janitorial services business that he had just started. This guy is fifty-six years old, and just started his own business. He moved here from California, and didn't speak any English. Talk about amazing. He learned english seven years ago at Concordia with Nellie as his ESL teacher. When Nellie left with the promise that she would think about ways to help him with his business and to meet with him on another Friday sometime in the future, he turned to me and said that she was the most beautiful human being that he had ever met. 'She has such a kind heart, and I have never seen her lose her patience with anyone. She was always so happy when I saw her in the hallways. '
He then proceeded to tell me about this girl from another post office who wouldn't give him the time of day. He goes in there once a week, just like he does with my work, and always tries to be friendly with the staff. One of the girls won't acknowledge his hello, while the other always chats with him and they have built a friendship. He said hello to the first girl every week for two months, and she still won't look at him or acknowledge his presence in any way. He said that people who will do things like that aren't really worth it, when there are people like the other girl around who are open minded.
Alberto also cleans Concordia and ran into a student from Korea with a handicap one night when he was cleaning. The boy was crying, and Alberto asked him what was wrong. The boy shook his head and said that he was fine. Alberto said that it was ok, he could talk to him, even if he didn't want to talk now he could come and see him at his break if he was ready and they would work it out. The boy came to see him during his break from cleaning, and told Alberto that he was crying because he was cast out in Korea because of his handicap and didn't have any friends because of it. Now, in Canada, people were friendly and wanting to include him, he didn't speak the language well enough to understand them or to be understood. The two became friends and Alberto helped him to learn english. The Korean boy moved in with Alberto and his family, and stayed there throughout his education. Now he is living in South America and is stupendously happy.

I have run over these two conversations many times in my head since they happened on Friday night, and every time I think about them I smile inside, because there is hope in my heart again. As scary as it is to have that faith, I have learned that it is even scarier to be unable to have that kind of hope. Like the kind of hope that Nellie seems to have to see good in everyone with the influence that her kind words have upon others, or even Alberto trying to help others by teaching them what he has learned. He also told me that he has taught his children that it isn't what people look like that matters, the heart and the soul are the most important parts. Looks fade, everything changes on the outside, but it is a person's spirit, their 'essence', that stays the same, always. Now my hope that we will find each other again has taken on a new flame. Which, in case you didn't know, is a very good thing.

God really does work in mysterious ways.

I am at a loss.

I don't know where to go from here. I wish that I could control time: Rewind- realise what we have and not ruin it because of petty insecurities and issues; Fast forward- see how things turn out after it's all said and done; Pause...pause, and try to work all the way through. Feel closer to you than I ever have, and embrace that feeling, hold it close even though it hurts when I hold it that close.

I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible.

Ahh! Today I finally bought myself a laptop, courtesy of the nice people who decided to give me scholarship moneys. It's actually sweet. It's still sinking in that I can actually arrange everything to my liking and not have to come back to it and find that everything has been moved.

I think that it's beautiful! The processor is fantastic; AMD Turion is definetly light years ahead of Intel. Well, according to my unbiased (yeah right) opinion. The only thing that really gets a little getting used to is the keyboard, and after typing for a little while I'm pretty well used to it. Brouhahaha!! It's been a good day.

As I have become older (and supposedly wiser), some things lose their importance while others gain more of a place in my heart or in my mind. Love is a big one, whether it be a love for random people, my family, or my sweetheart. Faith, whether it be in God or just things that I believe in, has become one of the most important things in my life growing up. Even when things seem bad, somehow I know that things will work out if the effort is exerted. With this comes the realisation that not everyone has the same level of faith as I do. Some give up at the first sign of trouble, while others outlast even me and surprise everyone with their level of commitment. Of course, with this comes the hurt felt when others give up before me. And after that, the realisation that promises aren't meant to be kept.

Nothing is forever.

Yoikes. On such a high right now, not even sure why. Work was nothing wonderful, except that it was busy so it went by really quickly, and I went to the doctors and had blood taken...my arm still hurts! Demon nurses! Anyhow. It t'was probably my fault anyways...did too much with said arm. Then I went to my old work and showed them my grad pictures like I had promised them before I left. Dozed at home after a sweet lunch of my favourite, grilled cheese sandwiches, and then drove to work.

I don't think that I'm afraid anymore. I hope that I'm not.

I got a pizza with pineapples. My favourite kind of pizza.

The summer is almost half over. What happens next? I got my official acceptance to my program at the Fac today, such a relief to see that piece of mail sitting at my place. Get to go and babysit Potvin's kids and a couple of other ones, cause they're throwing him a birthday party Saturday and need someone to take care of their kids. Heh heh heh. Sounds good to me.

Hope the summer is being good to everyone.

I thought that I had something of importance to post, but looks like I'm unsure even about that now. The only things that feel safe are material and unemotional. How did this turn into something so damned unsure? How did it happen?

Time to sleep, alone, again. Fuck.

No matter what, keep a stiff upper lip. Crying only makes things worse...and if I could bury the past, those thoughts, and that scenario, I would.

Fairy tales don't exist.

*le sigh*

Ahaha. Diploma results today! Did pretty well, even by my own standards! Such a relief. An unbelievable weight has just been lifted from my shoulders.

Time to enjoy the summer!

The world is my oyster! *wink wink nudge nudge*

Oh my goodness gracious.

I think that someone up there must like me.

Ahaha! I passed my driving test! On the first try! What a relief!

*does a happy dance*

Sleep, love and live like you mean it...

...I don't even know.

*sigh*

Where's that hole that I've been searching for?

So very distracted today. Couldn't concentrate on anything, work was interesting to say the least. Got through that ok though, just a few minor(hopefully minor) cuts and scrapes. Went to my soccer game right after work, had to change in the van and played a terrible first half against my old coach Spencer's team. Second half was pretty good though, which made me happy, and I burned the girl who had been burning me all first half. Got a bump on the head for my troubles though and my temple is throbbing ever so slightly. I hope that all I need is sleep, or maybe 'all you need is love'. Maybe it's because my parents and sister got back last night, and although it is comforting not to be alone in the house with my brother anymore, it did throw me off a bit. I drove to work and back from my game and it was kind of terrible. My mother does not like to drive with me, so she was double checking what I was doing, which made me a little nervous. Couldn't concentrate on driving as much as I would have liked to. Well, on to read a few more chapters and then get on to bed. Hope everyone is enjoying the hot weather, get a tan for me, aight?(the only tan that I have is a dorky soccer tan! Sweet, hey?)

Bah. I'm in a pissy sort of mood. I just want to sit down with my headphones blaring and read Gone with the Wind for the fourteenth time. Work was....well, I screwed up a few times. I forgot to check the screen on the debit machine and the receipt to see if a debit went through, which is didn't, so we lost just over fifteen dollars because of that. Then I forgot to scan a few of the envelopes on the xpresspost so that they can trace their mail. And I still don't know how to cash out, kept messing that up and getting confused. I feel like such a dumbass, like I have two left feet doing those things.

Then, when my supervisor and I were walking to our lockers to go home, she told me that she would start telling me things more in depth next week, cause 'there are just so many things that you have to know, and you won't remember them all if you learn them all at the same time'. So up goes the pressure, up goes the stress, and up goes my want to curl up in a ball and cry because of my inadequate self.

Seems like all I do on this blog is either a) complain or b) be really happy. I guess no one wants to tell people that things are just alright, hey? I guess these things happen.

I had forgotten the feeling I get after working an eight hour shift. Sore legs, sore back, aching feet. Ooh yeah, that's the one.

I'm in kind of a provocative mood for some reason. Trying half-heartedly to pick fights with people until I realise what I'm doing and backtrack. Time to lose myself in an imaginary world. Hope everyone is having a great summer.

Ahahaha! School is over forever! I am so ecstatic! I just don't know what to do with myself! I feel like I should be studying right now....granted, today was a pretty busy day so there wasn't much of that feeling, but still.

I got a job in the post office in Bonnie Doon shopping centre, and today was my first day. That went better than expected. It was cool; I get a discount with Shoppers Drug Mart because I'm employed in the post office through them, so that's awesome. The wages are better than my last job, which is totally awesome, and the hours are super flexible.

One bad thing about the summer starting is that it's the start of the summer. Complicated, I know. But that means six weeks until David leaves for Ottawa. Which still kind of scares me, and makes me sad every time I think about it.

But no time for tears! There will be plenty of time later, right? On to the happiness. I have a sweet job, my parents and sister are gone for ten days starting Thursday, leaving me alone at home with my brother, who is seldom home himself; my grandparents are taking us out for supper on Saturday, Canada Day is going to be sweet, and we get to have lunch at their place on Sunday. And I got a huge amount of hours for next week; including the twelve hours I get this week, I get thirty-eight and a half hours my first two weeks on the job. Spiffing. Hopefully this continues through the summer. And they actually trust me to do the cash in and out, which is awesome, and the people are all nice.

Bring on the summer!

You know what?

Everything is going to be okay.

I hate it when life does a one-eighty on me.

Wow! What a fantastic day! I totally kicked that Bio diploma's butt! And I get to play a soccer game tonight! Plus, David's b-day present finally got here (I ordered it over the internet, so the shipping took awhile)! Sweet, sweet, sweet. And we also got out Grad picture CD's from M. Beaudoin, most awesomest man alive! Anyhow, I think that I'm going to go and peruse them now...sweeet!

I am a terrible person.

That sounded really dramatic...but it's still true.

I feel awful.

Eep. Do I really want to get myself into this?
Me oh my.

Just when I feel like everything is going to come crashing down on me...I finally realise that I do have actual choices, and that talking really does make you feel better.

Happy birthday sweetie, I love you!

I really hate myself sometimes. Always making a fool of myself and making my faults so obvious to the world, for all to gawk at and take advantage of. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

What am I doing? I don't even know anymore. I keep getting by by the skin of my teeth (or however that saying goes) and not really acknowledging the fact that when I work, I get results. Surprise, the first social exam that I work hard at studying for, I get a 93. This morning in Bio I surprised myself with how much I knew, because I wasn't stressed out about it because I was too busy stressing out about that English project. My whole weekend was such a mess, and I keep finding things that I want to talk about, and there aren't any oppourtunities to talk and suddenly, when there's such a moment, I don't want to talk about it, but everyone is so busy and I'm really busy and I don't know if these things that are troubling me are because everything feels so rushed and busy or because...I don't know, just because. Sometimes I wish you would acknowledge that I have feelings and problems too before you get mad at me and shut me out;make me feel badly for the same thing that you're doing. Ugh, who am I kidding?

Later.

Wow. Ok.
Talk about knowing the right people.

So I just got this e-mail from this guy I know from doing Liberal stuff; his kids actually go to Picard. Apparently they're looking for a National Director for the Young Liberals of Canada, and he wanted to know if I was interested. Wow. Naturally!! I don't have the job, but now I have the opportunity to apply, cause I would never have found out about this if it weren't for him. And the best thing is, it's just a summer job; only goes until the 30th of August. Wow. Now I just have to get my riding association president to write me a letter of recommendation.

Of course, on the flipside, I told my parents and my mom was all, wow, that's awesome, that would be a good job for you. My dad was too busy poking holes in my plan to apply...'How much is this going to cost us?' 'How much does it pay?' 'Are you sure that it's here?' and shaking his head to show how stupid he thinks that the whole thing is. Honestly, I wish that he would go back to his old job. Office jobs make him so crabby. He's only been on that job for three days and he's already back to how he was the last time he decided to work in an office instead of on the street. And he always, always takes it out on me the worst; makes me feel like I can't do anything to please him and that I can't do anything right, cause obviously I'm just a fat, lazy, and dumb slob. Clearly.

That's ok. I don't believe any of that. There is no way he's going to bring me down off of this high that I've had going since I got that e-mail from George. Sweet. I thought that it was really cool that he even thought of me, that he thought that I was capable of doing that job. Intéressant, non?

Some people are really hard to buy for. Not because of a lack of things to get them, but rather because everything you find that they would like are either a)really expensive or b)not available yet.

Sadly, I'm almost out of ideas.

Ah. Grad weekend is finished. I am so tired; haven't gone to bed before three since Wednesday night. The weekend was perfect though. I don't think that there is anything that I would change if I could. Everyone looked so nice in their grad clothes! It was so nice of M. Beaudoin to come down to the legislature with us to take pictures. That guy is a Godsend to our school. Grad weekend was absolutely awesome, best time of my life...everyone was so huggy, it felt like the retreat all over again; our grade feels so close again...

In other news, school started up again. Research project in after staying up until three finishing it, oh, by the way, you have a final project to do, oh, and it's due on the 6th or 7th....what's that? You just finished a big project for me? I laugh at you. Oh, you didn't know that you have a chem exam tomorrow? *chuckle chuckle* Well, ya do. Oh, and a social exam Friday, and have fun staying after school Thursday so that we can finish the curriculum on time. I so love school right now *rolls eyes* but I'm still in a pretty good mood. I just got back from soccer, which I totally suck at (no wonder, after having missed a bunch of practices and one game because of work)but I had a great time nevertheless. Time to do some chem practice for that 'surprise' exam...

Ahahahahaha! I'm done! Finished! No more working at Fields! I feel so free! I will miss some of the ladies, especially Irene, who always made it fun. I have to go back next week to show them my grad pictures and to return my lovely smock.

Wheee!!!


Ahh! I have so much, too much, homework to do!! Landry has been going on since the beginning of the year about how grad week is going to be so fun, so relaxing...I am not relaxed! I'm up to my ass in homework, and he's the one who assigned like four pages of chem homework! Ah well, it'll all be over soon.

Woohoo!

This has been such an unexpected day. I haven't felt this relaxed or at peace in a really long time. Things started out pretty badly, but everything turned out perfectly. We definitely needed this kind of day.

Love ya hon.

My sister is leaving for Cuba tomorrow morning and will be gone until next Saturday, meaning, of course, that she's going to miss my grad. So when I woke up this afternoon (I love naps) she gave me a bouquet of flowers and a card full of sisterly advice and love. It totally made my day! Just when you think that you have people all figured out, they go and pull something sweet like this. Awesomeness.

Well, I finally did it.

I quit my job. Now, to find a new one. This shall be interesting, to say the least.

I'm so proud of myself! I thought for sure that I would chicken out.

*happy dance*

I love doing these kinds of essays.

This has been a pretty good day, even with this terrible cold and me almost losing my voice...I got sweet e-mails from David and I got to play today and we won 7-0, but then I had to tell my coach that I can't make it to practice(again) because I have to work (again) and he wasn't too impressed, to say the least. I've had it with my work, my bosses; time for a new job. I've been there for just over two years; that's long enough.

*happy dance*

This has definitely been one of the more terrible days of my life. Sweetness for none.

I am so sore.

Bleah.

Ahh! Trying to figure out a schedule for next year; so many courses that I want to take but only so many blocks in one day...I think that I may be in over my head on this one. Maybe I should just start from scratch...

I'm actually excited for next year!!!

Why am I bothered by idiotic things?

Time to crash...

Wow. What an amazing weekend. Lots of tears, hugs, talks...I wish that it could have lasted a week instead of just three days. I feel so relaxed, something that I haven't felt in a long time. My shoulders are no longer tensed up. I've figured out so many things, and David and I are finally seeing eye to eye. Our relationship is good again, and we've worked through the idea of him going away next year. We've finally fixed things.

In other news, back to reality....grad in three weeks, last day of classes in six. Way too much homework; AP exam Thursday, two exams Wednesday...and I still need to get grad shoes.

I've got my work cut out for me.

I am either invisible or embarrassing.

Take your pick.

I just don't know. *shrugs*

I feel so exhausted, like I've been up for days at a time.

Time for chem.

P.S. I'm in between templates at the moment-this will be fixed when I have time....

I've been looking up information about the costs to do a student exchange to Katowice, Poland. This is the only university in Poland that has a partnership with the U of A where you can study anything you want. And there is an International School of Political Sciences located on this campus *drools*.

The round flight is just over 2000 dollars, which is super sweet. And it costs between 832 and 1387 for accomodations(i know, such difference!). This is something I would probably do in my second year of university. I really want to be able to do this. I want to get a chance to meet family I didn't know that I had, to learn the language that my grandparents and my father, aunt and uncle grew up with. I want to be able to see where my family came from. To visit O?wi?cim, the little town that beheld so many horrors during the Holocaust. Seriously, the courses sound awesome. And the program seems to fit into my studies. I just have to save my ass off. And apply for all and any scholarships that come my way.

I just hope that when I tell my parents and family about what I would like to do that they don't tell me that it's a stupid idea, like they did when I told them about applying for the page programs. Well, we all saw how well that turned out. I'm such a dumb kid sometimes. Honestly. It's like I assume that things will work out for me, and when they don't, I get upset. And then there are things that in all likelihood will work out, and I start to question whether or not they will, and start imagining all these scenarios that would make it not work out. And people get upset. And did you know that it's improper to start a sentence with the word 'and'?

I'm so not close with my family. I don't really tell them anything, except for my mom sometimes and my dad every now and then. I'm afraid that the others will just laugh at my problems and dreams or belittle them, like they did when i mentioned going somewhere other than the U of A for post-secondary. Some of my family members I don't even like to be around, but that's a story for another time. I just feel like such a screwed up person; looking at all the things that an outsider would see when they look at my life, and knowing that people don't see half of what goes on in my life or in my head. I always feel so alone, like no one can penetrate my shell because I 'won't let them in', or I won't open up to anyone. I just can't see how I can be so important to someone. It frustrates him to no end, but I sometimes just don't see it for some reason. That's when I shut down and close off. I start seeing everything as proof of why I can't possibly be that important. Nothing is innocent anymore. To be important enough to someone that they would want to know about everything, even all the bad stuff; sometimes it just seems like it would be better off unsaid, that way no one, including myself, gets angry or upset and...well, it's not all good, but as good as it can get.

Anyways, time for bed. Enough dreaming and stuff for now; later, when I have money and good grades; more than just good intentions and a schoolgirls' stupidity.

I feel too needy. I am embarrassed about this neediness.

This all only adds to my patheticness (hey, I created a word).

Whenever I get upset, I close up and push away everyone close to me, no matter what has happened. I lash out at random people, usually those who I have been pushing away, and end up being this little ball of misery until I can push it down and either ignore it or get over it. Then whenever someone brings up the subject of whatever it was that I was upset about, I clam up again and become downcast again. It's almost like I'm trying to seal myself into this shell where I don't have to trust anyone and therefore can't be let down or hurt.

I may as well hang a sign on my body telling people to leave me alone, but not too much alone, because I need someone to talk to, but I don't feel like talking, and I'll most likely bite your head off about something ridiculous.

I'm pathetic.

This is such a terrible day, but a good day at the same time.
I just have to stop crying to see the good day.
I don't know what to do.

Ahh! I finally got my grad dress!

Could I have left it any later? Supposebly.

Oh dear God. So much for party loyalty.

What a jackass.

"I'm not sure, quite seriously, how many times you get to the cross the floor and have any credibility with your voters." (Anne McLellan)

How right she is.

No, it's not okay.
Yes, I am upset.
Please don't leave.

Why can't I say that when it counts?

I feel like my problems are insignificant right now with all the other things that are going on in the world. The Pope is lying in state in Vatican City, an election could come any day and the Liberals are turning out to be crooks, making it likely that an election could mean a government formed by the conservatives. The person that I usually go to talk to about this sort of thing has their own problems right now, more... life-altering, I suppose, than mine. Sometimes this kind of clarity is refreshing and puts everything into perspective for me. This time, however, it just makes me feel unimportant and alone. Strangely enough, I have no theories as to why that may be.

My first practice for outdoor is tonight. I'm hoping that this practice will be purely conditioning; sometimes the only thing that will calm me down is pushing myself physically until I'm exhausted, or running until I can't breathe. I need to push myself to succeed again and just turn my brain and emotions off for awhile.

John Paul II, rest in peace; we love you.

I just want to cry.

I'm writing an essay for this scholarship from the Canadian War Museum. The topic for the essay is "During the Second World War, my family...". So naturally, I'm going to be writing about my granny and my Babija and their experiences in the concentration camps and during the Nazi and Russian occupation of Poland. I'll be talking with my granny tomorrow, and I'm nervous about it. I'm afraid that what I've been reading about and seeing in books, movies and what have you will suddenly become too real for me. I'm scared that I won't be able to take the truth. I want so badly to write this essay and to be proud of my family, which I am; I'm afraid that I won't be able to do justice to what happened to them, to their experiences. I know that I have the power to make this real for everyone who reads this; I just have to believe in it.

Why is believing in myself so hard? For so many things? I just don't understand so many things; why do I have so little self-confidence? why do I feel like I'm doomed to fail at some things? why can I see the success that others seem to see?

I'm just scared, I guess.

What an absolutely terrible week.

I had a huge fight with my parents (well, mostly my dad) this morning and I'm still really upset about it. Apparently they can all tell when David and I are dating again, because I'm very irritable and crabby. Thankfully, no one else is home right now.

I just want to go to sleep and when I wake up, I want this whole situation to have worked itself out.

We walk without a sound across a barren landscape
Your eyes are twisted down to a dew entrailed ground
We watch the stars as they slowly fade away and in the clearing sky I see
The cold stone face of morning setting in on me
It's a strange world
It's a very strange world that leaves me
Holding on to nothing when there's nothing left to lose
Your touch is cold and damp, the devil's in your eyes
I wonder why I always let you lead me on this way
'Cause you see only what you want to see
You feel only what you want to
And I am on the outside of your strange world
It's a strange world
It's a very strange world that leaves me
Holding on to nothing when there's nothing left to lose
We're walking hand in hand, we'll walk this way forever
Our eyes have risen to the water's edge watching with the tides
The stars have fallen to another day and the sun warms our path to
Find the reasons leave us far behind in our strange world
It's a strange world
It's a very strange world that leaves me
Holding on to nothing when there's nothing left to lose

Sarah McLachlan
Strange World

I am the luckiest girl alive.

Got back today from another weekend away from home; provincials in Calgary. To make a long story short (and to avoid yet another rant) we didn't get a medal, but I think that we got closer as a team. Point final.

I have a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling. It really worries me; makes me want to talk to people I know and care for to make sure that nothing bad is happening to them that instinct has found out about I did.

I need to go and do my homework, or at least go back to pretending to do my homework.

I just got back tonight from Ottawa; the host city for the 2005 Biennial Liberal Convention. A convention to work on the party policy, constitution, and to propose changes to the current consitution and party policies. To many, I'm sure that this sounds dull, pointless, and maybe even stupid.

To me, this was the first opportunity among many to meet and discuss policy with other liberals, to hear others' opinions and to have mine heard, and to better a political party that I truly believe in.

Naturally though, one of the highlights of my weekend was shaking hands with the Prime Minister, le tres honorable Paul Martin, as well as Anne McClellan, Stephane Dion, and someone else I know that I'm forgetting. This was actually one of the greatest weekends of my life. I come out of that convention a more confident being, with more ambition and ideas than I ever thought would happen.

I want to rectify certain issues within the Party for a better future.

I want to make the Liberal Party of Canada a better party for more canadians...

...one riding association at a time.


But for now, I must face the harsh reality of books, tests, due dates; something that disappeared over the weekend.

This is to inform you that the written tests, recently administered for the Senate Page Program - 2005 Recruitment Campaign, have been corrected.

Though you have obtained the required pass mark, your candidacy is not being retained at this time as we are inviting only the top 40 candidates for an interview. However, should we need to interview more candidates, we may contact you at a later date.

We thank you for your interest and participation in this competition and, should you still be eligible for this program, we hope that you will participate in the next recruitment campaign.

I think that I need to go have a good cry.

I don't know why I'm in such an apathetic mood. I feel sort of down, but can't see any feesable reason as to why. I mean, I went to the doctors today and she said that I can get off the crutches, that I just have to do these exercises. She gave me some new prescriptions for my face, but I can just see them not working, like almost everything else that they've given me for the past six years.

God, I am so fucking sick of this.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2005-02-11&res=l

Hee hee hee.

Ganked this from Caitlin's livejournal...sweetness.

You know what to do...And if you don't, well then you need to get out.

1. What song are you obsessed with right now? Hmm...maybe 'Out of control' by Hoobastank, been playing that one a lot lately for some reason

2. Have you ever given anyone else a hair cut? Hee hee...my sister I think

3. Have you ever broken your/someone else's bones? Do teeth count as bones? (it was soccer! Totally didn't touch her, it was the ball)

4. Do you carry any weapons on you? Nope

5. Any hidden talents? Hmm?I can pick things up with my toes. Special.

6. Would you ever join the Russian Mafia? Howsa bout the Polish Mafia? ;)

7. What's your favourite outfit? Umm...probably my man pants, my reebok shirt and my blue hoodie thing

8. Would you ever be on the bachelor/Bachlorette? Hell no

9. Quote any song...Preferably one you like. 'Now every second on the nose, the humdrum of the city grows. Reaching out beyond the throes of our time. We must try to shake it down. Do our best to break the ground. Try to turn the world around one more time.'(Cat Stevens, Tuesday's Dead)

10. Have you ever had stitches? How many? Why? Um...no

11. Do u have any nicknames? Yes, so many embarrassing nicknames...shanny, Shannon mountain, and pookie to name a few

12. How many fish have u ever flushed down a toilet? I've never had a fish...Buried many a hamster though

13. Do you like to write people notes? How long has your longest one ever been, and to who? Meh, it depends on what it's about...I think that my longest one was about four pages

14. Are you a predictable person? In some ways yes, others, not so much

15. What's the weirdest place you've ever been kissed? Hmm...Under a tree

16. Most retarded email address you've ever had? There are ever so many to choose from?

17. Which do you prefer...Normal or photobooth pics? Normal

18. List all the people you've talked to on the phone today. Ppfff...no one

19. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius

20. Something really stupid you've seen or heard recently. I heard that some newspaper has nicknamed Paul Martin 'Mr. Dithers'...that and Mme Laurin telling us that we had to stay in Mme Pierce's room until twelve to discuss alliances and resolutions....and then proceeding to lock us in the room..

21. Do you work?If so, where? Yes, I work at mini-Zellers land(Fields-although I can't work till I get off these stupid crutches)

22. Would you rather go on a picnic or eat somewhere fancy and expensive? Hmm....picnic probably

23. Do you play in a band? Only in my imaginary band...does that count?

24. What's something embarrassing that's happened to you recently? Umm...The thing that keeps coming to mind is me slipping on the ice outside of the soccer centre before my game on Sunday after my dad warned me to be careful, and then him telling all of the parents in the stands about what a klutz I am....that and being useless on crutches and slipping on invisible things

25. Give us a run down of what you do before you go to bed. Why? well, I brush my teeth and do the whole bathroom thing, and usually I'll read or watch tv and figure out what I'm going to wear the next day if I have school (I'm slow enough in the morning without having to make extra decisions half asleep)

26. Do you have a T.V in your room? (You watch porn all night, don't you?!) yes, and heh heh heh...no thanks

27. What celeb would you LOVE to shoot in the head? Hmm...the annoying ones. Celine Dion! Ugh!!!

28. Would you rather have a sword fight with a stick of pepperoni or a cucumber? Hee hee...stick of pepperoni, cause it just sounds funnier (and so dirty!)

29. Do you have any friends named after animals? Not that I know of

30. Gone to any concerts lately? Whose? Hmm?no, the last concert I went to was my sisters Christmas concert, she's in the U of A mixed chorus

31. What was your lowest mark on your last report card? Haha...no comment.Just got my diploma marks in the mail...math was the lowest, going to be taking that one again

32. Would you rather have a really hot bf/gf whos a complete asshole to you, or a kinda dorky normal looking bf/gf who treats you like nothing matters more to them than you? Dorky, I have a thing for dorky guys, they can be really cute and sweet

33. Whats the weirdest turth or dare question you've ever been given, or given to someone? Dunno, haven't played that in awhile

34. When you imagine yourself alone, what are you doing? No imagining, usually I am alone, doing homework, reading, listening to music, being a dork and learning, ya know

35. Have you ever been in love? yes

36. Has anyone ever proposed to you? Did you accept? Yes. I was married to Vanessa, I was the king of Canada, I was on top! and then it all came crashing down?*sniff*

37. What is one thing you hate that other people always say? Hmm..it's not so much what is said, but rather the intent behind it..when people ask me if I'm ok and they have no intention of hearing out the answer and don't actually care what the answer is, or when people ask how I am and don't listen to the answer

38. Whats the weirdest drink you've ever concocted for yourself? Heh heh heh...making my hot chocolate Irish

39. Funnest sleep over memory? Heh heh...trying to sleep in the other room with Jack and Meghan at Erika's eighteenth and hearing Phil say over and over again 'You guys, I am soo drunk!!'

40. Any last comments about this quiz? Umm...None that I can think of


So yes. I was actually quite amused by this little quiz. I think that this has actually been one of the worst weeks of my life. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. But seriously. Well, actually, the few little rays of sunshine were absolutely...Amazing. When I think of those moments, everything is ok. Wow. So maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought.

But I do really need to get some sleep. I have a feeling that this has been one of the factors in my enjoyment of my week. See, when I'm tired, everything looks terrible and I'm always inches away from tears, no matter what. Almost. So then everything seems to suck, cause I get so frustrated with myself. Today was one of those days, so when I got home and saw that envelope from Alberta Education....I got 100% on my French written, which totally made my day; I'm so proud of myself! Then I found my math diploma mark, and it turns out that I'm going to be taking the course over...it made me cry, so frustrating. I am really frustrated with this. My diploma mark was something like 20% lower than my course mark for math. Thanks Henri. So there goes my summer, or whenever I'm going to take this beast over again....Maybe just the diploma? So I hope that everyone who got their results today got really good news, and that you guys are all happy with how you did. Have a great long (loooong) weekend peeps.

Ouch, ouch, ouch. I feel achy in my heart. That sounds like a song. But I have been trying to get that achy out of my heart for more than a month, and it won't go away.

Damn that voice in my head. Make it go away. Damn love and feelings. I don't want to be sad about this. I know that what I want will never happen. But I cannot accept it just the same. I keep trying to ignore it, and it has worked for the most part, but then my guard goes down and it hurts, it aches. I can't talk about it. There is no release, except my tears and subconscious, which has taken to haunting me in the night with dreams that wake me up and make me cry, dreams that make me want to stay awake...

Everything keeps getting worse and better at the same time. I can't stand it. Good grief this was angsty.

Do yourselves a favour. See this site, and while you look at it, remember that there were member states of the United Nations that voted against the commemoration of the 60th anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz; remember that there were a handful of countries that did not attend the commemoration.

You cannot imagine my dismay when I heard that news. To know that my grandmother and my Babija suffered for almost two years in the camps, only to have ignorant people try to ignore the anniversary of their liberation.

Never forget.

Your Horoscope(www.astrocenter.com)

Words of Importance

Talking, communicating, and letting others know you are around is all very important this week, Shannon. There is an emphasis on letters, emails and phone calls, and on catching up with any overdue administration or backlog of work. Jupiter continues to move through Libra where it is spicing up your social life and bringing you many chances to meet new people. On Tuesday Jupiter turns retrograde, so if you have met a lot of people, this is your chance to get to know them a bit better and to consolidate the liaison. You may also find yourself backtracking and getting back in touch with people from the past that you haven't heard from in a while. On Wednesday Venus moves into Aquarius, which brings even more delight and sweetness your way, and perhaps the chance of a date or two - if you are really keen. But watch your step on Thursday when the Sun conjuncts Neptune, as one meeting may not turn out to be in your best interests - especially if you rush in where angels fear to tread. Mars continues in your sign until Sunday, so you have until then to make an enthusiastic start on all new projects. After this it will be your personal finances that will be in focus. Get them sorted!


Hmm...not sure whether or not I should take this seriously...sounds pretty sketchy.

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I want to fix things, how can I fix this? How can I not make this okay? What can I do? The only thing left for me to do, the only choice I'm left with is to just pray that it won't happen, just pray to God that it'll be okay.

Too many feelings swirling everywhere else. Too many. I open my mouth too many times to speak, and falter, feeling that what I have to say is better left unsaid. It leaves me thinking that what I feel isn't right, leaves me saying to myself 'I can't believe that you think that, that you feel that way.'

What is it about a conversation, a half hour conversation even, that can change so much?

Paul Martin is officially my hero. Check this out.

*happy circle dance*

I got this e-mail yesterday....

"This is to inform you that the Screening Board has now completed its review of the applications received for the Senate Page Program – 2005 Recruitment Campaign and we are pleased to inform you that your application has been accepted."

Yay! That totally made my day! My mom was happy for me and even Heather,my manager was all 'that's super!' (surprisingly), but all my dad could say was,'Do you know how many scholarships you could miss out on here if you do that?' and 'Isn't that going to be too expensive?' Thanks dad.

Oh well. I'm still happy. I just have to talk to Dunkley or DeMoissac and get a time and place to do the written exam: stuff about the senate, current affairs, that sort of thing. I am so excited!!

*happy dance in a circle*

What happened to us
Hoobastank

i thought it was too good to be true
i found somebody who understands me
someone who would help me to get through
and fill an emptiness i had inside me
but you kept inside and i just denied some things that we should have both said
i knew it was too good to be true
'cause i'm the only one who understands me...

what happenned to us? we used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
what happenned to us? and deep inside i wonder, did i loose my only?

remember they thought we were too young
to really know what it takes to make it
but we had survived off what we had done
and we could show them all that they're mistaken
but who could have known, the lies that would grow, until we could see right through them.
remember they knew we were too young
we still don't know what it takes to make it.....

we could have made it work, we could have found a way
we should have done our best to see another day
but we kept it all inside until it was too late
and now we're both alone, the consequence we pay
for throwing it all away, for throwing it all away......

I think that I need better coping skills. Or maybe actually having coping skills would help. *groans and pulls the covers further up over her head*

I just had THE WORST shift at work. Worst ever. OK. So the horribleness starts with what happened yesterday. This guy came in to buy cigarettes with a ten dollar bill. So I check it, it's fake. Right. So this guy happens to be at least twice if not thrice my size; about five foot eleven or so and heavy. I was the only one in the store, because my manager was on her break, getting her supper. So I figure since the whole shoplifting policy is to only go after them if there is no danger for yourself, I should take the bill rather than try and call security with him there. I took the bill, made change, and the guy pretty much ran out of the store. Nice. So my boss comes back, I tell her, and then I call security. Routine, right?

Then this afternoon I go in for my shift. I'm in the back, taking off all of my winter stuff when my assistant manager comes in and tells me that my boss wants me to take a look at this paper and sign it. It's an employee misconduct report. Ok. So I figure it must be routine or something, because she didn't seem upset yesterday about how i had handled it. I read what she wrote. Something about me accepting a counterfeit bill knowing that it was fake, and then not telling her untill the customer had left the store. Grr. So I wrote in the comment section that I was the only one on the floor, and in the store at the time and didn't feel that I could safely refuse the bill. We'll see what happens. Oh, but it gets worse. I worked with my assitant manager today (Dorothy) and she was being so bitchy. She's been bitchy towards me ever since I gave them a copy of the smoking bylaw (again) and they had to go smoke outside (again). But tonight she didn't even speak to me unless it was to tell me she was going on her break or to tell me to do something. At the end of my shift, I was getting my stuff out of my locker and she left, went to the back door (the door that we go out of at the end of the night) and stood there, waiting for me. Grrrr. Wouldn't even wait for me to zip up my coat, so I ran to Safeway, one of the only stores still open and got all of my winter stuff on there. So I was super pissed by the end of the night. And she got me in such a bad mood. But i'm feeling better. So I guess this rant actually helped. So yay for letting it all hang out.

Wow. This has been such a long, wierd week. I haven't gotten home until at least 9:30 or 10:30 all week, and tonight and tomorrow night I have to work. So yes, I miss my bed and my room and my kitties, and, of course, the family that I haven't seen apart from my dad and my older sister since about Sunday. Except for the driving madness to and from school.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm so out of the loop, that I have no idea what is really going on in the lives of my friends. I hate that feeling. That feeling makes me realise that they don't trust me enough to let me in, or just plain don't want to let me in. Which of course worsens when they break up into their little groups of two. Where is my group of two? Anyways. I got this e-mail from my former track coach, and it made me think. I know, I know, you guys are doing enough thinking with diplomas just around the corner. But it's a good kind of thinking, I promise!!

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks. Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Unknown

Hmm...What to say? Did inventory last night from 5-10(p.m.) with Ashley, Vanessa, my mom and John...Ashley and I got stuck with the kids socks....need I say more? Took us a good half hour or so to get that section done(it's only a four-foot section). Turns out they only needed like half of the people to come in this morning, since I'm staff I had to come in and my mom came too, so Ness and Ash had to get up early too, then they went to Vanessa's house and crashed. Heh heh heh. Fun fun. Oh, but not so fun is the fact that today was Jackie's last day (she's the only management person that I like working with, cause she doesn't treat me like some snotty-nosed teenager and understands that everyone is human). So work isn't going to be the same without her. But on the other hand, now that I have in with her, I can get a discount should I ever want a tattoo. Her son just opened up (or is going to be opening soon) a tattoo parlor on 99th, by the Tin-Tin. Heh heh heh. Think of the possibilities(once I move out of the house of course. My parents can handle piercings ok, not sure about tattoos yet. Maybe I should wait till John or Erin get one and see what happens ;). Ah yes, the perks of being one of the middle children).

Hmm...What else.. We won our game this morning, against the team that I went up against with my community team a few years ago in provincials (beat them then too!). The reffing was absolutely horrendous, I think that he called about 5 things on them all game, and they deserved at least a red card for one of their girls and she didn't even get a whistle. My goodness. I kind of lost it and told him to call the game, wasn't too impressed and told me that he didn't call it because we had the advantage. Even though the other girl had the ball at the time, and was trying to smush me into the boards. Anyways. Enough about that. Someone taped our game so we're going to have to watch it next practice. Actually looking forward to seeing what I'm doing wrong instead of hearing about it, cause then I can visualise it and work on it.

Hmm..Doing the labels for my portfolio, have a math diploma prep tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday after school at St. Joe's, should be interesting, to say the least. I really don't know how prepared I am for the math diploma, which scares me to no end. I think that I'll be alright for the French, part A anyways; Potvin says that I'm a good writer, I just have to believe it. Well, time to finish off this beast once and for all. Yay for friends, for family and for music, the only things that keep me sane during this time of the year.