Ahahaha! Just got a phone call from my coach, just as we were about to leave for my game, saying that the other team defaulted so we won! So we move up to division three next outdoor season! Pretty sweet, although I really wanted to play. I'm in dire need of some exercise. That's ok, I can just play extra hard against the french team tomorrow (it's like the Maurice Lavallee team, they all speak french, so I have to interpret for the team...sooo sketchy! I love beating the francophones!) Heh heh, such a funny call, he was so panicked, and if you know Dennis, you know that it's funny. So now I have some free time on my hands...time to get back into Ernie, if you know what I mean *wink wink* *nudge nudge*

(no, it is not dirty!)

I feel like my life right now is some sort of experiment in suspended animation. Grag! I just want something, anything to happen. I need school to start. I don't work until Thursday, need to find something to do, to find anything to do. I hate trying to create errands. I was supposed to go shopping for clothes before work today, but I ended up buying a book instead *grins*. It's about Canada's role in the two World Wars. You see why I had to have it?

My life just needs to move on. I need to move on. Need to get over this. Stop letting it try to take over.

(still sending brain waves to Foreign Affairs)

I think that I'm finally going to get a tattoo.

*mischievous grin*

Wow. Ok. So today and yesterday were supposed to be filled with me being miserable because David left last night, but (aside from the inevitable and sometimes untimely tears because of said departure) it has been absolutely amazing.

So I entered this scholarship competition with the Canadian War Museum, an essay contest. We were supposed to write about what our families did during the Second World War. Of course, anyone who knows me knows that this topic is right up my alley. So I entered, and freaked out all summer because we were supposed to have gotten the news about the winner by the end of June, which obviously didn't happen. E-mails were sent, and were not responded to. So anyways, yesterday while I was out with David for lunch, this guy from the museum phoned and told my dad that I am one of the finalists, meaning that I got the scholarship! Ahh! So I tried to get a hold of this guy yesterday, but he just wasn't answering his phone. So I phoned again this morning and he told me that I need to get together a whole pile of things to send to him in order to get my scholarship. There's going to be a biography, a picture and my essay on the Canadian War Museum website and there was mention of my name being on a plaque in the museum in Ottawa for having won the award. And oh baby, it only gets better from here.

He mentioned that they were doing something a little bit different this year. There's this conference in Australia about war history and that kind of thing, and they want to send one of the five finalists to this conference, all expenses paid, to give a small talk about Canada's war history, Remembrance Day in Canada, and our own family history to a group of Australian youth! Again, ahh! So the trip is for a week (October 29th to November 5th to be specific) , there's a professor from the University of Ottawa that will be accompanying the winner and some people from Foreign Affairs Canada that will be going too. So the people from the museum aren't choosing the winner for this (they were just taking a poll to see who would be interested-come on, who wouldn't be??!!) it's actually the Foreign Affairs people who will be getting a list of names and accompanying essays to choose from. Ahaha! So yes, mad brainwaves to these people (repeat after me: Give Shannon the trip! The trip!). This has definitely been one of the best days of my life. Wow. The best thing is, I know that I'm ready to take on university. I have proven to myself that I am worthy. Which is actually better than the thousand dollars from the museum.

Wow, I can't stop smiling.

Well...what's a girl to do?

This weekend was okay; went to my first football game yesterday which was neat, aside from the fact that the Eskies suck. That's okay, we love 'em anyways. We saw M. Potvin at the bus stop on Whyte, also going to the game, and chatted with him until we got to Commenwealth. It was sweet to see him again, he's definetly one of my favourite teachers and one of my favourite people. Maybe it's time for some tough love though, who knows. Talked to my sister in England today over MSN, apparently my grandad is mad at everyone here in Canada (family only, of course) because no one remembered to phone him on his birthday (oops) so Erin is getting the brunt of it and can't wait to move out. She finally got a place, which is good.

Worked at nine this morning, thank goodness my mom let me drive to work. Ended up at Timmies on the way and got a huge coffee, first time in months that I've had actual coffee. So much randomness. Was supposed to spend some time with David this afternoon, but he's so busy with this orientation video that it didn't work out, which is really disappointing, but understandable. I don't know what to do. I wish that we hadn't wasted so much time with petty fights.

Every time I start to feel better about him leaving, it's almost as if something inside of me shatters, and I break down and cry. I'm hoping that a large part of this is because i'm so tired, but I don'tthink that it is. We decided not to have a long-distance relationship, and it's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that after he leaves on Tuesday, we may never do the things that, unfortunately, I have started to take for granted. Being able to talk about anything and not worry about being judged, knowing that David understands me for some strange reason and knows me for who I am, and loves me for that very reason. We've been through a lot together, and it's hard not to see this as us throwing that all away. I know that that is not what is actually supposed to happen. We both need to focus on post-secondary and not be held back because of a relationship. But that doesn't stop the hurt.

Maybe numbness is best for now...or sleep. Sleep is always good. If only it could take away this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'm so strange;I haven't even started university, and already I'm dreaming about going to Europe to study abroad.

But you should see these places. Beautiful. Perfect. Far away...

Friday nights at work are always super slow, so they get a guy to come in to clean the floors because of the lack of customers. Alberto, to be specific. I always say hi to him and we chat, just small talk; he's a nice guy.

There is this one lady that is super nice, just this little east-indian lady who has a mailbox in our post office. This lady, Nellie, came in and did her mail thing and we got to talking because it was so quiet. She was telling me about how she found these sarong type things at a store in the mall and they were a really good price, and she picked up a whole bunch to give out to her friends and family because that material is usually really expensive. Nellie went to the till to pay and it added up to eighty dollars, and she couldn't believe it. She cautioned me that sometimes we spend more than we should, and we have to make sure that we have always have enough for 'our bread and butter'. She laughed, saying that we all had a little teenager inside of us. She told me that she was always taking a good look at her actions and taking a look deep inside of herself to be sure of her intent. Nellie told me that it sometimes takes her weeks to figure out why exactly she acted in a certain way, but she always has to make sure that her intent was pure, because if it wasn't then she has to go and apologise and try to fix things with whoever she has wronged. She told me that she believed that things always worked out for her if her intent was pure. Nellie believes that so long as our intent is pure, God will grant our prayers if it is within His power. For some reason, this thought really calmed me. Since then, my anxieties about David and I, with him going away for university, have all but disappeared. This one thought from her has lead to a whole train of other thoughts, comforting thoughts. But anyways, that isn't part of my story.

So Alberto saw Nellie when she was saying goodbye to me after our chat, and asked her if she taught at Concordia. She said yes, and apparently she taught him when he was there seven years ago. They caught up and he told her of his business, the janitorial services business that he had just started. This guy is fifty-six years old, and just started his own business. He moved here from California, and didn't speak any English. Talk about amazing. He learned english seven years ago at Concordia with Nellie as his ESL teacher. When Nellie left with the promise that she would think about ways to help him with his business and to meet with him on another Friday sometime in the future, he turned to me and said that she was the most beautiful human being that he had ever met. 'She has such a kind heart, and I have never seen her lose her patience with anyone. She was always so happy when I saw her in the hallways. '
He then proceeded to tell me about this girl from another post office who wouldn't give him the time of day. He goes in there once a week, just like he does with my work, and always tries to be friendly with the staff. One of the girls won't acknowledge his hello, while the other always chats with him and they have built a friendship. He said hello to the first girl every week for two months, and she still won't look at him or acknowledge his presence in any way. He said that people who will do things like that aren't really worth it, when there are people like the other girl around who are open minded.
Alberto also cleans Concordia and ran into a student from Korea with a handicap one night when he was cleaning. The boy was crying, and Alberto asked him what was wrong. The boy shook his head and said that he was fine. Alberto said that it was ok, he could talk to him, even if he didn't want to talk now he could come and see him at his break if he was ready and they would work it out. The boy came to see him during his break from cleaning, and told Alberto that he was crying because he was cast out in Korea because of his handicap and didn't have any friends because of it. Now, in Canada, people were friendly and wanting to include him, he didn't speak the language well enough to understand them or to be understood. The two became friends and Alberto helped him to learn english. The Korean boy moved in with Alberto and his family, and stayed there throughout his education. Now he is living in South America and is stupendously happy.

I have run over these two conversations many times in my head since they happened on Friday night, and every time I think about them I smile inside, because there is hope in my heart again. As scary as it is to have that faith, I have learned that it is even scarier to be unable to have that kind of hope. Like the kind of hope that Nellie seems to have to see good in everyone with the influence that her kind words have upon others, or even Alberto trying to help others by teaching them what he has learned. He also told me that he has taught his children that it isn't what people look like that matters, the heart and the soul are the most important parts. Looks fade, everything changes on the outside, but it is a person's spirit, their 'essence', that stays the same, always. Now my hope that we will find each other again has taken on a new flame. Which, in case you didn't know, is a very good thing.

God really does work in mysterious ways.

I am at a loss.

I don't know where to go from here. I wish that I could control time: Rewind- realise what we have and not ruin it because of petty insecurities and issues; Fast forward- see how things turn out after it's all said and done; Pause...pause, and try to work all the way through. Feel closer to you than I ever have, and embrace that feeling, hold it close even though it hurts when I hold it that close.

I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible.

Ahh! Today I finally bought myself a laptop, courtesy of the nice people who decided to give me scholarship moneys. It's actually sweet. It's still sinking in that I can actually arrange everything to my liking and not have to come back to it and find that everything has been moved.

I think that it's beautiful! The processor is fantastic; AMD Turion is definetly light years ahead of Intel. Well, according to my unbiased (yeah right) opinion. The only thing that really gets a little getting used to is the keyboard, and after typing for a little while I'm pretty well used to it. Brouhahaha!! It's been a good day.

As I have become older (and supposedly wiser), some things lose their importance while others gain more of a place in my heart or in my mind. Love is a big one, whether it be a love for random people, my family, or my sweetheart. Faith, whether it be in God or just things that I believe in, has become one of the most important things in my life growing up. Even when things seem bad, somehow I know that things will work out if the effort is exerted. With this comes the realisation that not everyone has the same level of faith as I do. Some give up at the first sign of trouble, while others outlast even me and surprise everyone with their level of commitment. Of course, with this comes the hurt felt when others give up before me. And after that, the realisation that promises aren't meant to be kept.

Nothing is forever.