I've been looking up information about the costs to do a student exchange to Katowice, Poland. This is the only university in Poland that has a partnership with the U of A where you can study anything you want. And there is an International School of Political Sciences located on this campus *drools*.

The round flight is just over 2000 dollars, which is super sweet. And it costs between 832 and 1387 for accomodations(i know, such difference!). This is something I would probably do in my second year of university. I really want to be able to do this. I want to get a chance to meet family I didn't know that I had, to learn the language that my grandparents and my father, aunt and uncle grew up with. I want to be able to see where my family came from. To visit O?wi?cim, the little town that beheld so many horrors during the Holocaust. Seriously, the courses sound awesome. And the program seems to fit into my studies. I just have to save my ass off. And apply for all and any scholarships that come my way.

I just hope that when I tell my parents and family about what I would like to do that they don't tell me that it's a stupid idea, like they did when I told them about applying for the page programs. Well, we all saw how well that turned out. I'm such a dumb kid sometimes. Honestly. It's like I assume that things will work out for me, and when they don't, I get upset. And then there are things that in all likelihood will work out, and I start to question whether or not they will, and start imagining all these scenarios that would make it not work out. And people get upset. And did you know that it's improper to start a sentence with the word 'and'?

I'm so not close with my family. I don't really tell them anything, except for my mom sometimes and my dad every now and then. I'm afraid that the others will just laugh at my problems and dreams or belittle them, like they did when i mentioned going somewhere other than the U of A for post-secondary. Some of my family members I don't even like to be around, but that's a story for another time. I just feel like such a screwed up person; looking at all the things that an outsider would see when they look at my life, and knowing that people don't see half of what goes on in my life or in my head. I always feel so alone, like no one can penetrate my shell because I 'won't let them in', or I won't open up to anyone. I just can't see how I can be so important to someone. It frustrates him to no end, but I sometimes just don't see it for some reason. That's when I shut down and close off. I start seeing everything as proof of why I can't possibly be that important. Nothing is innocent anymore. To be important enough to someone that they would want to know about everything, even all the bad stuff; sometimes it just seems like it would be better off unsaid, that way no one, including myself, gets angry or upset and...well, it's not all good, but as good as it can get.

Anyways, time for bed. Enough dreaming and stuff for now; later, when I have money and good grades; more than just good intentions and a schoolgirls' stupidity.